Friday, October 31, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
A little Humor
A guy goes to a costume shop and says to the girl behind the counter, "I'm going to a costume party as Adam and I need a fig leaf."The girl goes out back and comes back with a fig leaf.He says, "That's not big enough!"She returns with a bigger fig leaf.He says, "Still not big enough!"Finally she returns with a huge fig leaf.Once again he says, "Still not big enough!"She says to the guy, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
OLD IS WHEN
Your sweetie says, Let's go upstairs and make love, and you answer, Honey, I can't do both!
OLD IS WHEN
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
OLD IS WHEN
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
OLD IS WHEN
When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. OLD IS WHEN
Getting a little action means I don’t need to take any fiber today. OLD IS WHEN
Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
OLD IS WHEN
An all-nighter means not getting up to pee.
OLD IS WHEN
Your sweetie says, Let's go upstairs and make love, and you answer, Honey, I can't do both!
OLD IS WHEN
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
OLD IS WHEN
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
OLD IS WHEN
When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. OLD IS WHEN
Getting a little action means I don’t need to take any fiber today. OLD IS WHEN
Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
OLD IS WHEN
An all-nighter means not getting up to pee.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
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Monday, October 27, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
His & Hers Perfect Day
The perfect day according to:
HER***8:45 wake up to hugs and kisses9:00 5 Pounds lighter on the scale9:30 Light Breakfast11:00 Sunbathe12:30 Lunch with best friend at Outdoor Cafe’1:45 Shopping2:30 Run into Boyfriend’s/Husband’s ex - notice she’sgained 30 lbs.3:00 Manicure, Facial, Massage, Nap.7:30 Candlelight dinner for 2 and dancing.10:00 Make Slow, sweet, romantic love.11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms.
HIM***10:00 Wake up10:02 Oral Sex10:10 Big Breakfast11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe2:15 Enormous lunch3:15 Oral sex3:25 Play sports with the guys4:30 Drink Beer with the guys6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer6:40 Oral sex6:50 Huge dinner, more beer11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex11:10 sleep.
HER***8:45 wake up to hugs and kisses9:00 5 Pounds lighter on the scale9:30 Light Breakfast11:00 Sunbathe12:30 Lunch with best friend at Outdoor Cafe’1:45 Shopping2:30 Run into Boyfriend’s/Husband’s ex - notice she’sgained 30 lbs.3:00 Manicure, Facial, Massage, Nap.7:30 Candlelight dinner for 2 and dancing.10:00 Make Slow, sweet, romantic love.11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms.
HIM***10:00 Wake up10:02 Oral Sex10:10 Big Breakfast11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe2:15 Enormous lunch3:15 Oral sex3:25 Play sports with the guys4:30 Drink Beer with the guys6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer6:40 Oral sex6:50 Huge dinner, more beer11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex11:10 sleep.
Wisdom of Years
* I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
* I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
* I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
* I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big weenie or huge boobs.
* I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
* I’ve learned that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.
* I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
* I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
* I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
* I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
* I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
* I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big weenie or huge boobs.
* I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
* I’ve learned that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.
* I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
* I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
* I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
25 Recommended Courses for Women
We can always continue to upgrade and improve ourselves, which is why we took some pains and found some really really useful courses that women might find interesting. Do sign up!
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don’t Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don’t Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
Friday, October 24, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
A Little Humor
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witchdoctor.The witchdoctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.The witchdoctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"The guy then asks the witchdoctor "What happens when it's over?" The witchdoctor says "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123," and suddenly he gets an erection.His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"
It was a hot day in Minnesota . Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.'Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today,' she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street , she passed a tavern and thought, 'Vy nodt?'So she walked in and took a seat at the bar.The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink.'Ya know, its zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer' Helga said'Anheuser Busch?' the bartender asked.Helga blushed and replied, 'Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener'?
A male and female driver are involved in a horrific collision. As they crawl from the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and beautiful. She turns to him and gushes breathily: "We shouldn't have survived that. Maybe it's a sign from God that we’re meant to be together!"The man stammers back, "Oh yes, I agree completely!""And look," she continues. "Though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine is intact, too! It's another sign. Let’s drink to our love!""Well, OK!" says the man. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half and hands it back."Your turn," he says."No, thanks," says the woman, "I think I'll just wait for the police."
It was a hot day in Minnesota . Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.'Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today,' she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street , she passed a tavern and thought, 'Vy nodt?'So she walked in and took a seat at the bar.The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink.'Ya know, its zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer' Helga said'Anheuser Busch?' the bartender asked.Helga blushed and replied, 'Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener'?
A male and female driver are involved in a horrific collision. As they crawl from the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and beautiful. She turns to him and gushes breathily: "We shouldn't have survived that. Maybe it's a sign from God that we’re meant to be together!"The man stammers back, "Oh yes, I agree completely!""And look," she continues. "Though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine is intact, too! It's another sign. Let’s drink to our love!""Well, OK!" says the man. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half and hands it back."Your turn," he says."No, thanks," says the woman, "I think I'll just wait for the police."
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
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